Preheat the oven. Set to 375°F (190°C). Lightly grease a 9x13-inch baking dish.

Crisp the bacon. In a large skillet over medium heat, cook chopped bacon until crisp. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate. Leave about 1 tablespoon of bacon fat in the skillet.

Sauté the onion and garlic. Add diced onion to the skillet and cook 3–4 minutes until softened. Stir in garlic for 30 seconds until fragrant. If the pan is dry, add a little olive oil or butter.

Brown the beef. Add ground beef, salt, pepper, and smoked paprika. Cook, breaking it up, until no longer pink. Drain excess grease if needed. Stir in ketchup and mustard for that burger flavor.

Add the cream cheese. Reduce heat to low and stir in the cubed cream cheese until mostly melted and incorporated. It doesn’t have to be perfectly smooth.

Make the custard. In a bowl, whisk eggs and heavy cream until smooth. Season with a pinch of salt and pepper.

Assemble the casserole. Spread the beef mixture evenly in the baking dish. Sprinkle half the cheddar over the beef. Pour the egg-and-cream mixture over top. Finish with the remaining cheddar and half the bacon.

Bake. Bake for 20–25 minutes, until the center is set and the cheese is bubbling. If you like a deeper golden top, broil for 1–2 minutes at the end, watching closely.

Top and rest. Let the casserole rest for 5–10 minutes to set. Sprinkle with pickle relish, remaining bacon, diced tomato, and green onions before serving.

Serve. Slice into squares and enjoy as-is, or add a drizzle of sugar-free ketchup or mustard for extra diner vibes.